If you fail once, people will expect you to keep on failing.

In fact, they'll keep kicking you until you do.
I took my kids to karate and trick or treating this year for the very first time. People didn't think I'd do it. I saw it in their eyes, simply because I'd failed to do it year after year.
When they found out I was a vegan, people started to kick me down again. 

"Good luck being a vegan in this place," they said. 

"Just eat some fucking meat," they said.
Well, if I had £1 for the amount of times ignorant people have said that, I'd be very, fucking rich.
How about: "Wow, that must really tough, well done you." instead of all that goddamn scorn you seem to be carrying around?

Like I mentioned in my last post, people really don't seem to like it when you start taking care of yourself. I'm a vegan, I practice Ashtanga yoga, and I don't drink, therefore that makes me a perfectly acceptable target for abuse.

Yeah, people really don't give a shit. I get that. And why the fuck should they? My eating habits are none of their goddamn business! However, it's funny that they seem to care just enough to snipe at me with hateful comments, when if they were to sit down and actually asked me why I chose to become a vegan, I would happily tell them:
Yeah, it has been really tough, actually. Contrary to what you might think about veganism, or what you might have heard in the media about idiots chaining themselves to trees, I didn't actually become a vegan for the fucking hell of it. It was actually a really tough decision. I was going through some rough shit and eating a plant based diet has been my way of coping with it. Sometimes in life, you have to make these difficult choices between staying ill and getting better. In the 10 weeks that I've have been a vegan, my family is healthier and I am healthier, happier and stronger. Also, like I just said, I took my kids trick or treating for the very first time. Now, that might not sound like much, but for me, it was a huge step, and one which I will be repeating in the future, and who knows, maybe I'll even manage to eat some of the goddamn sweets. 

Random Observations (until I can think of a better way to say what the fuck is going on?)

Ever wondered how it's bad to fat shame, and yet health shaming is perfectly acceptable?

Knocking down the person who exercises, eats healthily, writes and genuinely works hard to look after themselves is actively encouraged.

No one ever walks passed McDonald's, points at all the unhealthy fucks and shouts, "You should be eating more salad and doing more exercise, you fat bastards!" Yet I've had to deal with the following crap (I'm not kidding):

• Why are you still doing that leasure activity?

• I think you shouldn't do so much yoga.

• Maybe you shouldn't do so much writing.

• I don't think being a vegan is a good idea.

• The issues you have... it's the food you eat. (Yeah, my crappy, VEGETABLE based, but completely BALANCED diet!)

• Why don't you have one glass of wine, it's Christmas.

Apparently, it's cool to mistreat yourself. People pride themselves on how much alcohol they can chug and still stand up, yet if you're tee total there's something wrong with you.
Hell, ever hear the phrase, 'I don't know why I'm so thin. All I eat is junk food.'
And equally, 'I don't know why I have a weight problem, I eat so healthily.'
I honestly don't know either you fucking land whale! Maybe you filled yourself up with bullshit lies?

The amount of times I hear (roughly translated) "I treat my body like such a dustbin, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Accept it's hardly a life because I have all these health problems and my kids have all these health problems and I've no idea why..."

Well, as you can hear, I'm tired of all this shit. I'm tired, not just for myself, because I'm still going to be kind to myself, no matter what anyone thinks or has to say about it, and I really don't care if it's 'cool' or not. Frankly that fucking word can go jump in a lake of fire and get vaporised.
I gave up being trying to be cool when I realised that cool doesn't mean trying to do what all the other sheep are doing. They can go throw themselves off that cliff for all I care.

No. I care about my kids and the message this whole fucking mess sends to them. It makes my job, which is to nurture them into strong, healthy, happy, independent adults, that much fucking harder.

Thank you so much, society.

Say? What's With All This Labelling Anyway?

We've all been labelled. It seems to be this wierd obsession to de-humanise ourselves and that's kind of scary cos I thought we'd left de-humanising to the anti-Semites, but maybe I was wrong...

I've been known as The Anorexic, The Anorexic Goth, The Waster, Blue haired Girl, you name it.

The reason I become a Goth was because I wanted to be part of a collective identity that pretended to be individualistic, when really it was anything but. Let's face it, there aren't many different shades of black, and my so called 'friends' were always looking down their noses at people who dressed normally, labelling THEM as Kevs or Chavs, and wondered why people wanted to kick their snooty heads in.

I stopped being a Goth because I wanted to be a myself. I got sick of the verbal abuse I suffered, but also, I just wanted to wear some fucking colours and not look like a complete dork whenever I went to the beach. Trench coats and Dock Martins are really impractical when the it's hot.

It's such a shame that people who decide to leave behind a collective identities are often seen as traitors, and even lose friends, because it shows that those people didn't see them as individuals at all, just carbon copies of themselves. Not people, but things.

I'm not 'an' anything, and I don't stand for anything. If anything, that's what I stand for. Freedom. Freedom of expression. Freedom to say what the fuck you want, think what the fuck you want to think and BE whoever the fuck you want to be.

But the labelling doesn't stop, not even with relationships. We encourage people to think of us, not as individuals, but collectives. For instance, since getting with my partner, I have come to be known as Zoe and Ben. Ben's Zoe. Zoe's Ben. I frequently get asked what Ben's opinions are on things. How the fuck should I know? I can't read his mind! People seem to assume that we are one entity or something. What the Hell happened to us as individuals?

That said, I happen to like being anonymous. I can be myself, and I'm happy being myself. I don't have to advertise that to the world.

I can except my limitations, because we all have them. By doing what brings me satisfaction, I can now find out my strengths.

Real Interesting Facts About Me

• Fact. I am in recovery. I spent almost twenty years of my life binging, purging and starving myself, and now, I am eating four small meals a day and my weight is both healthy and stable.

• I have been sat beside someone in that same boat, whilst I was ill, and I wondered how I would ever get to be like them. That was ten years ago.

• I'm 33 now, and I thought about where I might be in another ten years. I don't want to be ill when I'm 43.

• I'm at where I am in my recovery. I exercise to build strength in my body and I try to look after myself. I'm not going to apologize for that. If people are doing something that they deem worthy of being proud of, they are within their rights to brag about it. But as the saying goes: pride comes before a fall.

• I want to be strong, not skinny.

• Eating disorder stopped me living my dream. Now I dream of living.

• To put things into perspective, study nature or history. You really think you have a hard life?

• Nothing happens for a reason, BUT there is a reason FOR everything.

• I am a product of the decisions I have made.

• I used to use fags to suppress my hunger. Unfortunately, those things destroy your lungs, so then I quit and started drinking large quantities of tea instead. And then I discovered that the best way to suppress hunger is in fact, to eat.

• I have no friends, and I count myself blessed. I am actually happiest in my own company. I tend to agree with me.

• I don't tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I ask myself, is it right?

• I've never had friends. I've spent my life wishing I had friends, when really I had one all along. Me.

• My boyfriend Ben is my one true friend outside of me. He provides me with love (occasionally) security and wisdom.

• I can't abide people who brag, because actions speak louder than words, and it's far more powerful for me to see someone achieve something amazing and yet remain humble. I imagine it is the hardest thing, for I don't believe I have anything to be proud of, nor do I want to feel this way. I'm simply doing what I'm doing, because I want to feel well.

• Favourite saying: People in glass houses should not throw stones. And stoned people should definitely NOT throw glass houses.

• I'm a blogger. I take pictures of my meals and post them with the hashtag #eatingdisorderrecovery, because I deem that far more interesting than me taking pictures of the time I took a walk outside.
• Also, if I show people I'm serious about what I'm doing, it may spur me on to keep with it, where I have failed before.

• You'll only ever regret NOT doing something.

• Most important lesson I ever learnt. LIFE IS NOT A BIG DEAL! Once you realise that too, maybe you'll lighten the fuck up.

Why Worry?

• Don't worry about stuff that doesn't concern you, or things that you have no control over.

• Don't worry about what people think of you. Who gives a fuck?

• I don't have to care about what's going on halfway across the world. What use is that?

• Other people can fly across the world to help flood victims in Kerala. I have no qualms about that.

• But equally, if I choose not to care, because I have more important things to care about, ie. My health and my kids, that's ok. I don't have to feel guilty.

• My mum tells me I HAVE to care about global warming. NO I DON'T! Just as I don't have to care about how I look and how others think I look.

Reasons Why I Practice Ashtanga Yoga

1. I initially chose it, because I wanted an exercise that WASN'T geared towards weight loss.

2. I wanted to be strong. I saw a friend doing a headstand, and I wanted to be able to do it too. I also longed to be a dancer when I was young, and to be flexible, but never thought I would be, because I never tried, nor was I given the opportunity, least of all the encouragement.

3. A strong body equals a strong mind. A strong mind gives you the ability to decide how to react to difficult emotions/ situations, thus empowering you.

4. It also gives you the ability to appreciate your body for the unique and wonderful thing that it is, that works so hard for you, sticks by you and loves you, even though you choose to hate it and mistreat it.

5. It also you to appreciate yourself for the wonderful being that you are, and how unlikely and fragile your existence is.

6. It's tough. It needs to be. It's like holding up a mirror to your soul. You see yourself for who you really are. It strips away the lies you tell yourself, leaving you with nowhere to hide, and eternally grateful to still be alive at the end of it.

7. It's more than just exercise. It's my therapy, my antidepressant. It burns away depressing feelings and irrational, unhelpful thoughts, giving my mind a breather. I frequently come away thinking, "none of that shit matters. Why was I so het up about it?"

8. That's not to say it's a miracle cure. There's no such thing. Nor does it work for everyone. But if you don't give something a try, how will you know?

9. I hate exercise. I've never been active or strong. I couldn't even do a push up when I started and now I'm doing headstands. I didn't expect to achieve that feat. I just stepped on a mat and gave it a go, with no judgement. Just an ounce of hope.

10. Don't say, "I'll never do that." Say, "I'll try that."

11. Unlike other exercise, it's difficult to overdo it if done correctly.

12. If you try to do something your body isn't ready for, you'll most likely get an injury, so common sense is key here.

13. There is no short cut to strength or flexibility, and path that leads to peace and equanimity is even longer. You just need patience and time.

14. Don't have time? Ask yourself how long you spend in front of a mirror worrying about how you look, or thinking about doing something without actually doing it. Just fucking do it!

15. It's not about how much fat you burn, or how many reps you can do, or even how perfect your headstand is not. It's purely about the breath and your pelvic floor.

16. Join a taster session if you don't want to do it on your own. Visit Karen Jones @Ashtanga yoga Plymouth on Facebook.

17. It is a spiritual practice designed to heal your body and grow your mind.

18. It's helping me to get my body back. Life is far less of a struggle when you are strong, that much I can tell you.

19. This is just what I have discovered in five years of practice, and I still have so much more to learn from it. It's like unwrapping a present that's been wrapped in many layers. Sometimes, you never know what you'll find.

20. The only thing you'll regret is NOT giving it a go.

21. You get to meet challenges and obstacles in the comfort of your own home, so that you'll be able to deal with whatever life throws at you when you step outside.

22. It works the whole body as well as the mind. Not just one so called 'problem area'. In yoga, there's no such thing.

23. You improve your strength, your balance, your flexibility, posture and most of all, your wellbeing.

24. It's a really fucking powerful healer. I can't reiterate this enough. Got chilblains? Lie in shoulder stand for a bit. Got backache? Constructive rest pose is where it's at. Tummy pain? Twisting poses. Bad knees? Probably your hips need some TLC. Hunched shoulders? Backbends are the key.

25. Just bare in mind, you're not going to undo sixteen years of sitting badly and bad posture overnight, but the time to start is NOW.

26. When I first started yoga, I realized how weak I was. And now I realize I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. Especially when I have clever people asking me, "how do you do it?"

27. Well, I just unroll my mat, step on it and follow some simple instructions. It's not hard!

28. The unsteady mind will lash out.

29. We are victims of the unsteady mind. Generations have not taken the time to take care of their minds, and as a result, that generation has caused the suffering of the following one.

30. My issues went on for so long because the symptoms were treated with sticking plaster, but the mind was left to it's own devices. It wasn't until I studied DBT that I started to realise the mind is a huge factor in how we treat our bodies.

31. Remain humble and don't be tempted to brag about your achievements.

32. Actions speak louder than words.

33. Some of the most humble people I know are people who do the most amazing, seemingly unachievable things. (Cat Shanti on Instagram)

34. It's helping to change my perception. I no longer admire skinny models who are clearly ill. I instead look up to strong, muscly people, like athletes, dancers and gymnasts who, through hard work and determination, can do amazing things with their bodies. They didn't wake up like that. I used to think I would never be like that. I was always know as a weakling. But who the hell decided thst I was destined to stay that way? Me.

35. I will probably never be able to do a handstand split or float like I've seen advanced yogis do, but if I don't try, I DEFINITELY won't.

36. Plus, I'm just realising that the journey to get to that point is more important than actually getting there. It humbles you. It teaches you things about yourself that you can't learn in any book... only through time and dedicated daily practice can you really get to know your true, unique self.

20 years

20 years of living with anorexia, bulimia and disordered eating.
20 years of believing that the only happiness I'd ever get out of life was through eating crappy food and throwing it down the toilet, and through starving myself the rest of the time, so that my body stayed painfully thin and weak.
20 years of being too damn scared to go anywhere, to have people stay around my house and socialise with and do all the crazy shit that most people would regard as fun. Ordinary social situations were- and, to some extent, still are- downright hell, especially when I'm forced to have to integrate with ignorant fuckwits who don't give a damn about my struggles or my situation and continue to insist that I partake in their crappy, overindulgant eating regime and pretend that it's this thing called love. No it fucking is not! These fuckers don't even know what the fuck love is, and I'm just finding that out after 20 years of putting up with their bullshit.
Yeah, I believed it too. That the only way to be 'accepted' was to eat the same shit that they stuffed down their cake holes, and that I had absolutely no right to object when they rammed the same shit down my kids' throats and called that shit love.
I used to think that high fat, sugary food was the only food that tasted good and so I used to seek it out. But really, I wasn't enjoying it at all. In reality, it all tasted the fucking same. Despite deluding myself into thinking that I was being an 'adventurous eater', the only flavours I really knew were fat, sugar and salt.
I had to change my perception of food, and eat for what my body NEEDED, rather than what my tongue WANTED. And yeah, it's been a fucking tough decision to have to make, but what was the alternative?
It's been 20 years of misery basically, and it ain't over by a long shot. I've had up days and major rock bottom down days, and I know there's plenty more to come, but I know I'll come up again to keep fighting another day. This bitch ain't done yet- especially when I can finally hold my head up and say that not only does food taste good. It DOES good.

You're gonna piss off a lot of people when you start doing what's best for you. Well, those motherfuckers can go and do one.

Can't someone eat some fucking plants without being fucking labelled as something?
I shouldn't have to be made to feel ashamed for wanting to take care of myself.
I shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for wanting to eat more healthily.
I shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for not wanting to put crap inside my body.
I shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting to respect my body for the temple that it is. It's the best fucking friend I've ever had, because it stuck by me through all my shit and it hasn't given up on me yet.
Cows shouldn't have to suffer. I respect that, but I don't really give a shit about animals. I don't give a shit about anything that's outside of my circle. I'm doing this for me, no one else.
My life.
My journey.
My fucking gob and my fucking body that I treated like shit for so many goddamn years.
So if you've already made a certain assumption about me, I'll tell you straight. I'm not a fucking vegan. I think those assholes are stupid. Sorry, but that's my opinion. I refuse to associate myself with anything ending in an 'ism'. Fascism ends in an 'ism.' Fuck that shit.
Animal cruelty will only stop if people stop being cruel. And they can't even stop being cruel to themselves, so what chance do animals have?
If you like, I'll go with flexitarian. I'm cool with that. I eat for health, not for ethics. If you put ethics before health, that's the stupidest, dumb fucking thing you could ever do, because for one thing, you're gonna fuck up your health, and then what use will you be to anyone?
Yeah, I eat mainly plant-based, home cooked meals, which automatically eliminates most unethical foods, such as palm oil, ect, but not all. I can't afford to buy organic because it's fucking expensive, so all kinds of pesticides are going down the shoot. C'est la fucking vie. And my diet is also low in omega 3, vitamin D, B12 and ferrous iron. So if the doctor says I need some fucking beef, then I'll fucking eat some, instead of those shitty, expensive tablets. And I already have no qualms about eating the odd bit of fish, plus an egg or two now and again. It's called common fucking sense. And yeah, some animals have to fucking die. It's called life, bitches.

Beauty Is a Matter of Opinion and Your's Is The Only One That Counts

It doesn't matter if you're the most beautiful person in the world- in many ways you have more to lose, because most of us will end up looking old and decrepit, no matter how much anti-wrinkle cream we slather onto our faces. And the idea of beauty in the west is just that. An idea. Not an ideal. It is used purely for marketing purposes, in order to make US feel inadequate enough to part ways with our cash.
For example: we're told that our skin is too white, and so we cook ourselves in the sun or buy fake tanning products to change the colour of it, and yet in the East, manufacturers are selling skin whitening products by the ton.
In South Africa, beauty is a Ndebele woman wearing many idzilla, bronze or copper neck rings, so that over time, the the shoulders and collar bones are pushed down, making the neck appear longer; and this is also a tradition in other ethnic groups, such as the Karen Tribe of Padaung, Burma and the Kayan 'giraffe' people of Thailand; while the Mursi tribe of Ethiopia have their incisors removed and their lower lip pierced and stretched over clay disks, some the size of dinner plates.
At least these guys do it for spiritual and other complex reasons, rather than to be influenced by some oversimplistic, and not to mention, warped paragon of how a woman should look.
People are so concerned about what goes on outside, that they often miss what's going on inside. It doesn't matter if people think you are beautiful, the most important thing is for YOU to BELIEVE that you are.
And maybe if those celebs would only grow a personality, maybe they wouldn't need to spend so much money on having parts of their butt cheeks removed in order to have it stuffed into their faces.

An example of the sort of things I post on Instagram

This was my lunch. I'm having a tough day today, because I put on weight, but I've been eating the same shit, and yet I'm so fucking hungry it drives me insane. Today I drove passed KFC and I wanted to fuckin dive in there and lick everybody's goddamn fingers! But on the plus side, my yoga practice has been a lot better, so hopefully it's muscle or water or something rather than lard on my ass. (Yeah, I practice Ashtanga Yoga, but I'll save that for another time).
Either way, whatever I do, I must STICK WITH THIS GODDAMN MEAL PLAN. Just stick with it, and don't waver. I've come too fuckin far to fall back into that dark hole that is bulimia. May it burn and rot forever!

The worst part of having a problem with mental health?

Is people telling you that they understand, when really they don't. Sure, they'll smile kindly and lead you into that stable of security... then they'll burn that shit to the ground the MOMENT your mental illness becomes inconvenient for them.
Oh how I WISH I could just switch it on and off whenever the fuck I wanted. And be sure to turn that shit right up JUST as I'm about to embarrass you in front of all those god forsaken, 'apparently normal' people stuffing their faces with whatever the fuck they want!
What can these people do, cos at the end of the day, these people are SUPPOSED to be supportive?
Tell the goddamn truth! It's not fucking hard. Be fucking honest and SAY to my face that you don't understand. I'd rather you just said, "That sounds awful, I honestly can't comprehend what you're going through. What can I do/not do to help?"
But no one ever does that, and the one thing I'd like to know is: Why is everyone so fucking scared of being seen as ignorant? And yet being a goddamn liar is perfectly acceptable?
I don't EXPECT you to understand what I'm going through, ok! Because:
A. You're not me
B. You ain't that therapist with the degree.
And C. On the face of it, I LOOK fine. If my arm fell off, you'd be like, "She obviously needs some help." But my arm hasn't fallen off. You can't see the problem, so unless I'm talking about it, you think it's somehow magicked itself away. No. It hasn't. It's still fucking there. I live with this hell EVERY fucking second of EVERY goddamn day.
I don't want a fucking hero. I just want some goddamn patience and some fucking compassion and for people to realise that just because I have a problem with food, does not give them leave to treat me like a child who won't eat their greens.