20 years

20 years of living with anorexia, bulimia and disordered eating.
20 years of believing that the only happiness I'd ever get out of life was through eating crappy food and throwing it down the toilet, and through starving myself the rest of the time, so that my body stayed painfully thin and weak.
20 years of being too damn scared to go anywhere, to have people stay around my house and socialise with and do all the crazy shit that most people would regard as fun. Ordinary social situations were- and, to some extent, still are- downright hell, especially when I'm forced to have to integrate with ignorant fuckwits who don't give a damn about my struggles or my situation and continue to insist that I partake in their crappy, overindulgant eating regime and pretend that it's this thing called love. No it fucking is not! These fuckers don't even know what the fuck love is, and I'm just finding that out after 20 years of putting up with their bullshit.
Yeah, I believed it too. That the only way to be 'accepted' was to eat the same shit that they stuffed down their cake holes, and that I had absolutely no right to object when they rammed the same shit down my kids' throats and called that shit love.
I used to think that high fat, sugary food was the only food that tasted good and so I used to seek it out. But really, I wasn't enjoying it at all. In reality, it all tasted the fucking same. Despite deluding myself into thinking that I was being an 'adventurous eater', the only flavours I really knew were fat, sugar and salt.
I had to change my perception of food, and eat for what my body NEEDED, rather than what my tongue WANTED. And yeah, it's been a fucking tough decision to have to make, but what was the alternative?
It's been 20 years of misery basically, and it ain't over by a long shot. I've had up days and major rock bottom down days, and I know there's plenty more to come, but I know I'll come up again to keep fighting another day. This bitch ain't done yet- especially when I can finally hold my head up and say that not only does food taste good. It DOES good.