Random Observations (until I can think of a better way to say what the fuck is going on?)

Ever wondered how it's bad to fat shame, and yet health shaming is perfectly acceptable?

Knocking down the person who exercises, eats healthily, writes and genuinely works hard to look after themselves is actively encouraged.

No one ever walks passed McDonald's, points at all the unhealthy fucks and shouts, "You should be eating more salad and doing more exercise, you fat bastards!" Yet I've had to deal with the following crap (I'm not kidding):

• Why are you still doing that leasure activity?

• I think you shouldn't do so much yoga.

• Maybe you shouldn't do so much writing.

• I don't think being a vegan is a good idea.

• The issues you have... it's the food you eat. (Yeah, my crappy, VEGETABLE based, but completely BALANCED diet!)

• Why don't you have one glass of wine, it's Christmas.

Apparently, it's cool to mistreat yourself. People pride themselves on how much alcohol they can chug and still stand up, yet if you're tee total there's something wrong with you.
Hell, ever hear the phrase, 'I don't know why I'm so thin. All I eat is junk food.'
And equally, 'I don't know why I have a weight problem, I eat so healthily.'
I honestly don't know either you fucking land whale! Maybe you filled yourself up with bullshit lies?

The amount of times I hear (roughly translated) "I treat my body like such a dustbin, I'm surprised I'm still alive. Accept it's hardly a life because I have all these health problems and my kids have all these health problems and I've no idea why..."

Well, as you can hear, I'm tired of all this shit. I'm tired, not just for myself, because I'm still going to be kind to myself, no matter what anyone thinks or has to say about it, and I really don't care if it's 'cool' or not. Frankly that fucking word can go jump in a lake of fire and get vaporised.
I gave up being trying to be cool when I realised that cool doesn't mean trying to do what all the other sheep are doing. They can go throw themselves off that cliff for all I care.

No. I care about my kids and the message this whole fucking mess sends to them. It makes my job, which is to nurture them into strong, healthy, happy, independent adults, that much fucking harder.

Thank you so much, society.

Say? What's With All This Labelling Anyway?

We've all been labelled. It seems to be this wierd obsession to de-humanise ourselves and that's kind of scary cos I thought we'd left de-humanising to the anti-Semites, but maybe I was wrong...

I've been known as The Anorexic, The Anorexic Goth, The Waster, Blue haired Girl, you name it.

The reason I become a Goth was because I wanted to be part of a collective identity that pretended to be individualistic, when really it was anything but. Let's face it, there aren't many different shades of black, and my so called 'friends' were always looking down their noses at people who dressed normally, labelling THEM as Kevs or Chavs, and wondered why people wanted to kick their snooty heads in.

I stopped being a Goth because I wanted to be a myself. I got sick of the verbal abuse I suffered, but also, I just wanted to wear some fucking colours and not look like a complete dork whenever I went to the beach. Trench coats and Dock Martins are really impractical when the it's hot.

It's such a shame that people who decide to leave behind a collective identities are often seen as traitors, and even lose friends, because it shows that those people didn't see them as individuals at all, just carbon copies of themselves. Not people, but things.

I'm not 'an' anything, and I don't stand for anything. If anything, that's what I stand for. Freedom. Freedom of expression. Freedom to say what the fuck you want, think what the fuck you want to think and BE whoever the fuck you want to be.

But the labelling doesn't stop, not even with relationships. We encourage people to think of us, not as individuals, but collectives. For instance, since getting with my partner, I have come to be known as Zoe and Ben. Ben's Zoe. Zoe's Ben. I frequently get asked what Ben's opinions are on things. How the fuck should I know? I can't read his mind! People seem to assume that we are one entity or something. What the Hell happened to us as individuals?

That said, I happen to like being anonymous. I can be myself, and I'm happy being myself. I don't have to advertise that to the world.

I can except my limitations, because we all have them. By doing what brings me satisfaction, I can now find out my strengths.

Real Interesting Facts About Me

• Fact. I am in recovery. I spent almost twenty years of my life binging, purging and starving myself, and now, I am eating four small meals a day and my weight is both healthy and stable.

• I have been sat beside someone in that same boat, whilst I was ill, and I wondered how I would ever get to be like them. That was ten years ago.

• I'm 33 now, and I thought about where I might be in another ten years. I don't want to be ill when I'm 43.

• I'm at where I am in my recovery. I exercise to build strength in my body and I try to look after myself. I'm not going to apologize for that. If people are doing something that they deem worthy of being proud of, they are within their rights to brag about it. But as the saying goes: pride comes before a fall.

• I want to be strong, not skinny.

• Eating disorder stopped me living my dream. Now I dream of living.

• To put things into perspective, study nature or history. You really think you have a hard life?

• Nothing happens for a reason, BUT there is a reason FOR everything.

• I am a product of the decisions I have made.

• I used to use fags to suppress my hunger. Unfortunately, those things destroy your lungs, so then I quit and started drinking large quantities of tea instead. And then I discovered that the best way to suppress hunger is in fact, to eat.

• I have no friends, and I count myself blessed. I am actually happiest in my own company. I tend to agree with me.

• I don't tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I ask myself, is it right?

• I've never had friends. I've spent my life wishing I had friends, when really I had one all along. Me.

• My boyfriend Ben is my one true friend outside of me. He provides me with love (occasionally) security and wisdom.

• I can't abide people who brag, because actions speak louder than words, and it's far more powerful for me to see someone achieve something amazing and yet remain humble. I imagine it is the hardest thing, for I don't believe I have anything to be proud of, nor do I want to feel this way. I'm simply doing what I'm doing, because I want to feel well.

• Favourite saying: People in glass houses should not throw stones. And stoned people should definitely NOT throw glass houses.

• I'm a blogger. I take pictures of my meals and post them with the hashtag #eatingdisorderrecovery, because I deem that far more interesting than me taking pictures of the time I took a walk outside.
• Also, if I show people I'm serious about what I'm doing, it may spur me on to keep with it, where I have failed before.

• You'll only ever regret NOT doing something.

• Most important lesson I ever learnt. LIFE IS NOT A BIG DEAL! Once you realise that too, maybe you'll lighten the fuck up.

Why Worry?

• Don't worry about stuff that doesn't concern you, or things that you have no control over.

• Don't worry about what people think of you. Who gives a fuck?

• I don't have to care about what's going on halfway across the world. What use is that?

• Other people can fly across the world to help flood victims in Kerala. I have no qualms about that.

• But equally, if I choose not to care, because I have more important things to care about, ie. My health and my kids, that's ok. I don't have to feel guilty.

• My mum tells me I HAVE to care about global warming. NO I DON'T! Just as I don't have to care about how I look and how others think I look.

Reasons Why I Practice Ashtanga Yoga

1. I initially chose it, because I wanted an exercise that WASN'T geared towards weight loss.

2. I wanted to be strong. I saw a friend doing a headstand, and I wanted to be able to do it too. I also longed to be a dancer when I was young, and to be flexible, but never thought I would be, because I never tried, nor was I given the opportunity, least of all the encouragement.

3. A strong body equals a strong mind. A strong mind gives you the ability to decide how to react to difficult emotions/ situations, thus empowering you.

4. It also gives you the ability to appreciate your body for the unique and wonderful thing that it is, that works so hard for you, sticks by you and loves you, even though you choose to hate it and mistreat it.

5. It also you to appreciate yourself for the wonderful being that you are, and how unlikely and fragile your existence is.

6. It's tough. It needs to be. It's like holding up a mirror to your soul. You see yourself for who you really are. It strips away the lies you tell yourself, leaving you with nowhere to hide, and eternally grateful to still be alive at the end of it.

7. It's more than just exercise. It's my therapy, my antidepressant. It burns away depressing feelings and irrational, unhelpful thoughts, giving my mind a breather. I frequently come away thinking, "none of that shit matters. Why was I so het up about it?"

8. That's not to say it's a miracle cure. There's no such thing. Nor does it work for everyone. But if you don't give something a try, how will you know?

9. I hate exercise. I've never been active or strong. I couldn't even do a push up when I started and now I'm doing headstands. I didn't expect to achieve that feat. I just stepped on a mat and gave it a go, with no judgement. Just an ounce of hope.

10. Don't say, "I'll never do that." Say, "I'll try that."

11. Unlike other exercise, it's difficult to overdo it if done correctly.

12. If you try to do something your body isn't ready for, you'll most likely get an injury, so common sense is key here.

13. There is no short cut to strength or flexibility, and path that leads to peace and equanimity is even longer. You just need patience and time.

14. Don't have time? Ask yourself how long you spend in front of a mirror worrying about how you look, or thinking about doing something without actually doing it. Just fucking do it!

15. It's not about how much fat you burn, or how many reps you can do, or even how perfect your headstand is not. It's purely about the breath and your pelvic floor.

16. Join a taster session if you don't want to do it on your own. Visit Karen Jones @Ashtanga yoga Plymouth on Facebook.

17. It is a spiritual practice designed to heal your body and grow your mind.

18. It's helping me to get my body back. Life is far less of a struggle when you are strong, that much I can tell you.

19. This is just what I have discovered in five years of practice, and I still have so much more to learn from it. It's like unwrapping a present that's been wrapped in many layers. Sometimes, you never know what you'll find.

20. The only thing you'll regret is NOT giving it a go.

21. You get to meet challenges and obstacles in the comfort of your own home, so that you'll be able to deal with whatever life throws at you when you step outside.

22. It works the whole body as well as the mind. Not just one so called 'problem area'. In yoga, there's no such thing.

23. You improve your strength, your balance, your flexibility, posture and most of all, your wellbeing.

24. It's a really fucking powerful healer. I can't reiterate this enough. Got chilblains? Lie in shoulder stand for a bit. Got backache? Constructive rest pose is where it's at. Tummy pain? Twisting poses. Bad knees? Probably your hips need some TLC. Hunched shoulders? Backbends are the key.

25. Just bare in mind, you're not going to undo sixteen years of sitting badly and bad posture overnight, but the time to start is NOW.

26. When I first started yoga, I realized how weak I was. And now I realize I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. Especially when I have clever people asking me, "how do you do it?"

27. Well, I just unroll my mat, step on it and follow some simple instructions. It's not hard!

28. The unsteady mind will lash out.

29. We are victims of the unsteady mind. Generations have not taken the time to take care of their minds, and as a result, that generation has caused the suffering of the following one.

30. My issues went on for so long because the symptoms were treated with sticking plaster, but the mind was left to it's own devices. It wasn't until I studied DBT that I started to realise the mind is a huge factor in how we treat our bodies.

31. Remain humble and don't be tempted to brag about your achievements.

32. Actions speak louder than words.

33. Some of the most humble people I know are people who do the most amazing, seemingly unachievable things. (Cat Shanti on Instagram)

34. It's helping to change my perception. I no longer admire skinny models who are clearly ill. I instead look up to strong, muscly people, like athletes, dancers and gymnasts who, through hard work and determination, can do amazing things with their bodies. They didn't wake up like that. I used to think I would never be like that. I was always know as a weakling. But who the hell decided thst I was destined to stay that way? Me.

35. I will probably never be able to do a handstand split or float like I've seen advanced yogis do, but if I don't try, I DEFINITELY won't.

36. Plus, I'm just realising that the journey to get to that point is more important than actually getting there. It humbles you. It teaches you things about yourself that you can't learn in any book... only through time and dedicated daily practice can you really get to know your true, unique self.